Irreconcilable Sleep Differences

If I end up divorced, this is why.

I love my husband. Really. We get on each other's nerves, argue about stupid things, but generally - we get along very well and have a happy life.

However -

I'm starting to think Ozzie and Harriet had it right with that whole separate bed thing. For us, we need separate rooms. In separate wings of the house. Soundproofed.

My husband snores. Not just annoying little snores that sometimes interrupt an otherwise peaceful sleep - we're talking full-blown, suck the paint of the ceiling and wake the neighbors kind of snoring. I tried giving him the Breathe-Right nasal strips. The worked for a little while - until he decided they were uncomfortable and stopped wearing them. Grr...

I've spent the last few years perfecting a system of snore stoppers ranging from the subtle roll-over-abruptly-and-disrupt-the-mattress move to the patented application-of-direct-pressure-to-his-back-with-my-elbow move. Last year, I added a set of ear plugs to the repertoire, which helped quite a bit for some time. Alas, my husband's ever-evolving snore has once again reigned supreme. No ear plugs on the market can put a damper on the volume he currently achieves. Even if they did, the sheer vibration is enough bounce me the hell out of there.

We are normally awake pretty late. Our average bedtime is probably 1:00 AM, which is when we went to bed last night. He can fall asleep mid-sentence and the snoring begins almost immediately. I find myself in a game of Beat the Clock almost every night. Typically, if I can put in my ear plugs and fall asleep first, my sleep isn't as disturbed. Unfortunately, that rarely happens and I'm left there doing the Dance of the Non-Snoring Spouse in an attempt to quiet him long enough for me to fall asleep.

As I watched the time tick by until well after 3:00 AM, I vowed that I wasn't going to let this continue to eat away at my sanity any longer. After all, I have to wake up and be Mom to our 2 boys who are already wise enough to steer clear of me on *good* mornings. There is no *good* morning after a night like last night. Is it unfair of me to insist that my husband DO SOMETHING to correct this problem? I've done just about all I can to adjust my sleeping. Perhaps removing my ear drums completely is an appropriate next move? That could really come in handy for those days when both boys attempt to shatter glass with mind-numbing tantrums...

So - this morning, I inform my husband that the time has come for him to actually do something about this problem. I told him that this is a whole lot more serious than he's been taking it and that I just can't do it anymore. His response? (And this is a direct quote!) "Sorry."

Sorry? Are you kidding me? I don't want to hear, "Sorry," and watch you continue with your day as if my sleep deprivation is no big deal! I am becoming a full-blown whack-job before your very eyes and all you can say is, "Sorry?" I don't think so!

I immediately started my Google research and came up with the name of an excellent ENT doctor in our area. I forwarded the info to my husband and told him to call and take the next available appointment. Know what? He told me he saw a doctor a few years ago who told him that he required surgery to correct his problems. Apparently, dear husband is avoiding the pain and recovery involved in such a procedure. (Insert Sleep-Deprived, Whack-Job Rage here)

I calmly (I'm so proud that I remained calm!) said that perhaps this new doctor knows of some non-surgical alternatives. Know what?!?! My husband says, "Oh, yeah. There are other alternatives."

...

Resisting the overwhelming desire to punch him square in the stomach, I said, "You need to call him. I can't do this anymore. There could be a symptom of a more serious problem. Besides, this is probably why you're so tired all the time."

He said, "I'll just sleep on the couch tonight."

I need to go throw things now.