Something's Afoot...
...or I'm (still) just crazy.
It's been 3 months since I've been on meds for depression and I'm really starting to re-evaluate this whole diagnosis. Over the weekend, it occurred to me that while I'm not dancing-on-the-mountaintop happy, I'm actually pretty content and ... well, happy. This epiphany came as a quite a shock while I was checking multiple items off of my ever-growing household to-do list that was started months ago and never got smaller. I woke up early (for me) on Sunday morning and just started doing the things that had been looming for quite some time. It was weird - tasks that seemed insurmountable were suddenly something I knew I could tackle if I just did it. This may not seem like a big deal to most of you - but for those of us who have been struggling to find the motivation to get the heck out of bed in the morning, it's a really big deal.
It was my first truly good day in a looooong time. Now, that's not saying my boys were angels or that there weren't some frustrations. But - for the first time in months, I was able to roll with the punches, shrug off the small things and just go through the day. Not losing my patience for an entire day is a Really Big Deal. There were timeouts and conflicts, but I felt like I was in control for each and every one.
Of course, for me - I can't just leave well enough alone. I have to look for that indication that something is not quite right. I'm second-guessing my diagnosis, my meds and pretty much everything else related to my state of mind. Am I really depressed or I am just lazy? Is it Seasonal Affective Disorder? My moods seem to be related to the changing seasons - or am I just reading too much into things? Am I really just a bitch who needs to grow up and get over it?
The decision to take meds was not an easy one for me. When my father died in December, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I tried lots of different things before I agreed to "just try" the medication for 6 months. Is it really changing how my brain functions - or is it just masking my symptoms? I hate that I am on meds and I hate that it seems to have helped. Very few people are aware of the fact that I'm taking meds - or that I'm even "having a rough time" for that matter. I certainly can't clue them in to the fact that I'm not perfect! Heaven forbid!
I guess I'll just keep things as they are for now. I'm curious how many truly good days I can string together. I don't expect to have a life full of only sunshine and happiness - I just don't want to feel like I have no control over my life.
It's been 3 months since I've been on meds for depression and I'm really starting to re-evaluate this whole diagnosis. Over the weekend, it occurred to me that while I'm not dancing-on-the-mountaintop happy, I'm actually pretty content and ... well, happy. This epiphany came as a quite a shock while I was checking multiple items off of my ever-growing household to-do list that was started months ago and never got smaller. I woke up early (for me) on Sunday morning and just started doing the things that had been looming for quite some time. It was weird - tasks that seemed insurmountable were suddenly something I knew I could tackle if I just did it. This may not seem like a big deal to most of you - but for those of us who have been struggling to find the motivation to get the heck out of bed in the morning, it's a really big deal.
It was my first truly good day in a looooong time. Now, that's not saying my boys were angels or that there weren't some frustrations. But - for the first time in months, I was able to roll with the punches, shrug off the small things and just go through the day. Not losing my patience for an entire day is a Really Big Deal. There were timeouts and conflicts, but I felt like I was in control for each and every one.
Of course, for me - I can't just leave well enough alone. I have to look for that indication that something is not quite right. I'm second-guessing my diagnosis, my meds and pretty much everything else related to my state of mind. Am I really depressed or I am just lazy? Is it Seasonal Affective Disorder? My moods seem to be related to the changing seasons - or am I just reading too much into things? Am I really just a bitch who needs to grow up and get over it?
The decision to take meds was not an easy one for me. When my father died in December, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I tried lots of different things before I agreed to "just try" the medication for 6 months. Is it really changing how my brain functions - or is it just masking my symptoms? I hate that I am on meds and I hate that it seems to have helped. Very few people are aware of the fact that I'm taking meds - or that I'm even "having a rough time" for that matter. I certainly can't clue them in to the fact that I'm not perfect! Heaven forbid!
I guess I'll just keep things as they are for now. I'm curious how many truly good days I can string together. I don't expect to have a life full of only sunshine and happiness - I just don't want to feel like I have no control over my life.
posted by SuperMomIsDead | 11:32 AM
2 Comments:
I know exactly what you are talking about! I did the same thing when I began taking Effexor ~ it helped so much with my overwhelming "to do" list and my mood swings (I went from 1 end to the other in a matter of minutes with my moods).
The way I look at it is that my mind was a file cabinet and files were thrown out and I couldn't think straight enough to focus ~ the medicine seemed to put all of the files back in order so I could actually accomplish something and see light at the end of the tunnel. The longer I took it though ~ the more that nothing really seemed important and life went crazy again.
I stopped taking it because I couldn't afford it any longer and I didn't want to depend on it forever ~ they said it wasn't addicting but I believe Effexor is. The withdrawl symptoms were terrible ~ like something zapping in my head like an electrical jolt (I'm not kidding).
Would I take it again? Yes, only probably not Effexor ~ and only under circumstances where my life feels out of control, being anxious, my mind NEVER turns off, and really not being able to function for the clutter and depression in my head. I wouldn't want to have to take it again, but it really helped me during a time I needed it. I probably need it all the time but wouldn't want to live on it forever.
I think the medicine is helping you from what I've read in your post ~ I think if you take it you will be able to see alot clearer and I don't think you are lazy. I am so sorry about your father ~ I think you did the right thing by deciding to take it especially with what you had to deal with.
Hope this helps! :-)
Yet another person who I click from a comment and find I am not alone. Thanks I will be back.
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