It's Alive!!!

But it needs a nap.

Yes, I've been on hiatus. It's a strange thing to pull back from something like this and have people "out there" wondering where you are.

So - things have actually been rather good around here the last few months. I trashed the meds - and I'm actually *feeling* life rather than observing it. I guess that's the best way to describe how I feel about the whole deal. Not much else to say on that topic.

My children are still trying to kill me - though in increasingly more creative ways. The big thing right now is camping, so I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pull this off. The boys are 7 and 4 now, so it's probably a good time to get them started. Besides, campsite costs are much more do-able than hotel rates. If we can get the hang of this camping thing, maybe we'll get to visit more of the places we'd like to see.

Of course, that may mean showing up to places smelling like a campfire. Ah well...

The Best Part of Waking Up

There's nothing quite like waking up to the sound of your child emptying his stomach contents onto your bed. Really sets the tone for the day, you know?

It might not have been so bad if my internal clock wasn't so royally screwed up. I'm just about at the point where I feel like I'd be better off pulling an all-nighter and trying to trick myself into going to bed at a decent hour the following night. I've always been a night owl, but thought that would change when my life was no longer dictated by happy hours, last call and all night diners. (Ahhhh... nothing like a big, greasy omelet and deep fried breaded *crap* after a night of binge drinking.)

Still, I find myself awake at 3 and 4 AM, wondering what the hell I'm still doing awake. I suppose I could attempt to get some things done while I'm burning the midnight oil - but that's not an easy thing to do when everyone else is asleep. I wouldn't want to miss out on the *quality* entertainment that airs after 3 AM. I wish the Girls Gone Wild people would give it a rest already. Not everyone awake in the early morning hours is a middle-aged pervert who gets off on watching drunk chicks do stupid things. How about a Boys Gone Grownup video for the moms up late feeding a baby or folding the laundry? Shirtless men changing diapers, folding laundry, vacuuming and doing dishes without whining or complaining? That's something I'd watch well into the wee-hours of the morning.

Tis the Season

The gifts are purchased, wrapped and ready to be distributed to the greedy little children I love so dearly. I make it a point to have all of my Christmas shopping finished by Thanksgiving. I *hate* shopping this time of year. I refuse to do it. I hate the fact that the stores have their Christmas stuff out before Halloween. At this rate, I'll soon have to get my shopping done by the 4th of July. I think the last time I went to a mall during the Christmas season was while I was pregnant with P - and he'll be 7 in February. I remember getting pushed by an extremely rude and nasty sonofabitch who damn near knocked me to the ground. Nothing says, "Merry Christmas!" like assaulting a pregnant woman. Jackass. Long live internet shopping!

My family has a lot of little traditions for the holidays. Sure, we have the food, the gatherings, and the gifts, but it always amazes me how the same cycle of crap repeats itself every year, too. Every family has it's whackos, I guess. And why is it that my children's behavior seems to go downhill this time of year? You'd think with all of my threats to tell Santa, they'd show a little glimmer of fear. Not so.

My mom has been telling me all along that all of her children went completely bonkers between Halloween and New Years. I found that rather difficult to believe, what with me being the perfect child and all. She even went so far (at the urging of my dad, she claims) as to hide the Christmas presents one year. When my brother and I came downstairs on Christmas morning, there was *nothing* under the tree. NOTHING. My dad made us wait for *hours* before he "found" them tucked under a blanket. Funny thing was, the blanket was right next to the tree and we never even suspected they were tricking us. Oh how he laughed... Think we learned our lesson? Of course not.

J has taken to screaming for every. little. thing. Not just crying and whining, either. The fact that there is still glass in our windows is astounding to me. He has this unique ability to get his shriek to the exact tone that triggers every pain sensor in my brain. He's become my very own shock therapy treatment - and he's completely portable, too. He is bound and determined to be the child who causes my complete undoing.

P lost his first tooth last week. I'm completely out of the loop on this tooth fairy thing, I must admit. What exactly is the going rate for teeth these days? I was tempted to skip the money and stick a toothbrush under there with a threatening note about tooth decay and gum disease. I think it's kind of weird to pay for body parts that fall off, but who am I to break with tradition? Is there some kind of clause that allows me to get my money back should the adult teeth develop cavities? How about a repayment plan for any needed orthodontics?

Mother Nature is a Bitch

For three days, I thought we might be having another baby. Three days of, "Uh-oh," followed by, "It would be so nice..." and "I'll check every freaking online pregnancy calendar to find out where I am and when I'm due."

Three days of imagining the possibility of a new little one to cuddle.

Three days after my *always* punctual visit was supposed to begin, I was mourning the loss of the baby that was never even there to begin with.

Ancient Times

While avoiding my parental responsibilities today, I was looking through some catalogs and found a tapestry of an old world map that I thought might look nice in our living room. Since my 6 year old likes maps, I wanted to show him.

P: "What's that?"
Me: "It's an old world map."
P: "What do you mean?"
Me: "It's from a long, long time ago."
P: "You mean, like 1970?"

It's Like Wrestling An Octopus

...or maybe a bear.

My boys seem to have a knack for injuring themselves on holiday weekends. I think they like going to the hospital or something. I typically find myself wondering if I'm crossing over into "Bad Mom" territory when I start to weigh the options of waiting for office hours, rather than shelling out the $100 copay. (Not to mention that Emergency Rooms are for EMERGENCIES thing!) But, guilt generally sets in pretty quickly and I end up taking them to the hospital. It's one thing to play the odds for myself or my husband - a completely different thing when it's my boys.

Still, $100 is an expensive bottle of eye drops. At least the 3 year old has vowed to never play with a stick again. (Watch me hold my breath on that declaration!)

The real fun has been trying to reason with J about the eye drops. I'm certain I'll be opening the door to the authorities quite soon, considering the level of blood-curdling shrieks that are pouring from my house four times per day. To say it takes the whole family is no exaggeration. DH holds his little head and arms still, P holds his legs (as well as he can - the little booger is strong!) and I have the job of trying to keep him from thrashing about while I try to pry open his eyes and squeeze in 2 drops. It's absolutely horrible - I'm certain we've traumatized the kid, but he's not up for bargaining.

Our other struggle has been on the hygiene front with J. We've had many conversations about keeping clean and how to wash certain parts (which I won't go into for Google's sake). It's funny how a boy can be so near OCD in the hand washing department, yet completely oblivious to the fact that he should probably give himself a thorough scrubbing in other places, too. Since he's potty-trained now (Yay, hooray!) we've moved him over to flushable wipes. We bought him the Pampers Kandoo stuff (wipes and foaming hand soap) because he wanted them.(Hey - whatever it takes to get him interested in cleanliness.) Well, now he's in the bathroom with this foaming soap washing his hands every 3 minutes - complete with water all over the bathroom and a week's worth of soap. So, I hid the soap. A few minutes later, he runs at me, very upset, asking, "Mom... where's my mashed up frog?"

Few things bring more shivers to my spine than the thought of accidentally finding a MASHED UP FROG!?!? Immediately freaking out, I start with the 'where did you get the frog and why is it in the house?' line of questioning. J is completely irritated with my stupidity at this point and says, "You bought it for me!"

I can be forgetful, but I'm certain I've never purchased a mashed up frog.

J: "The mashed up frog that I put on my hands from the green and purple bottle."

Aha! The Kandoo stuff has a little cartoon frog on it! I tried to explain to him that it's soap and not a mashed up frog, but he didn't believe it. Of course, this explains why he will spend so much time squishing this stuff through his fingers. He's not working on hygiene - he's playing with frog guts!

Hmmm...

When your 3 year old comes into your home office completely naked with an armload of socks and says, "Mom! I have a whole bunch of socks!" with complete and utter glee, think there might be an issue with the laundry getting done on a normal/regular basis?

Mr. and Mrs. Spiderman

Marriage is rough at any age.

P's best friend in the world is a 6 1/2 year old girl we'll call "R." Usually, when they play together, they end up being Mr. and Mrs. Spiderman. Oh, the Spiderbabies they've had, let me tell you! Seems they've morphed the more action-oriented play of superheroes with the more... ok ... GIRLIE way of playing house. (Yes, yes. I know all about gender stereotyping, but come on. Playing house is girlie.)

Anyway - this is a conversation I had with P while we were waiting for R to come over and play.

P: "I hope R wants to play something besides Spiderman."

Me: "Well, you might want to take that Spiderman costume off, then."

P: "It doesn't matter,"

Me: "I think it might. Didn't you take it to her house yesterday, too? She probably thinks you *like* playing Spiderman all the time."

P: I do, but sometimes, I want to make up something new.

Me: Well, tell her! Maybe you can invent something together.

P: (big sigh) I try to, mom. Then she looks at me with those googly eyes and I just have to say, ' Ok. I'll play Spiderman.'

Me: (after laughing) If you're having trouble resisting a girl's googly eyes *now*, you don't have a chance, buddy.

P: I know. That's how it is when you're married.