ProtectoMan and ProtectoMan #2

RobotBoys
Originally uploaded by supermomisdead.

Protecting people who are scared and stuff.

This is what happens when you take away TV.

I'm told they have unusual powers of camouflage and rocket power. Amazingly, the mesh trash can supplies oxygen for extended space travel. 'Cuz you know extra-terrestrials are frequently "scared and stuff."

Protecto-Man 2's clear plastic bins allow him to blend in with any background, thus contributing to the element of surprise.

Boys In Bubbles

Boys In Bubbles
Originally uploaded by supermomisdead.

Apparently, mom and dad have very different ideas about what is too much bubble bath.

Some Break

What did I really expect?

I had the chance to go away overnight with some friends - so I jumped at the chance, of course. My husband graciously agreed to take off on a Friday and do the solo thing through bedtime on Saturday. I will admit that he did a pretty good job as "Dad" - at least from what the boys have told me. At least there were no major injuries or fires. (The 6 year old made sure that his Dad stayed away from the toaster oven after a very scary flaming tortilla incident a few weeks back.)

I was trying my best to be thankful for the time off - and not resort to that whole bitch-thing. This is no small task - turning over a new leaf does not come naturally, you know. Now, hubby is seriously lacking on the cleaning and organization front. I know this. I take steps to minimize the chaos as much as possible. Before I left, I made sure that every single dish, spoon, glass, etc was not only clean, but dried and put away. The dishwasher and sink were both completely empty. I was only going to be gone for 36 hours, so everything should have fit into the sink and dishwasher pretty easily - especially since most of the food was pre-made and required only a microwave. I gave him a detailed list of menu suggestions (he has *no* idea what to actually feed the children). I even called several times to make sure everything was ok and reminded him to pick things up so I didn't have to walk into a mess.

I can only imagine what the original mess looked like. I walked into what he insisted was clean and just couldn't believe it. I'm still working on getting things back on track. Ridiculous shit. I don't know who taught him how to assemble the food processor, but it's going to take me forever to soak off the dried-on shredded cheese that sat on the counter for 2 days.

Let me assure you, my dear husband. I am pissed that I will have to spend double time cleaning up after you, but I'm not going to give up on the idea that I can escape from time to time. I suggest you learn how to pick up after yourself -- or next time -- my trip will be much longer!!

Today is the Day

Today was the day that I had to wake up at 7:00 AM after being awake until 3:00 AM.

Today was the day that I had to drive to an Oral Surgeon and have my upper right wisdom tooth pulled.

Today was the day that I had my very first tooth extraction.

Today was the day that I decided to take advantage of the Novacaine and hit the grocery store (without children) before it wore off.

Today was the day that I practically drooled on the floor at the grocery store because I was shopping with half of my head numb.

Today was the day that I ended up rushing home from the grocery store because the Novacaine suddenly wore off.

Today was the day that I had to run 4 or 5 errands - with children - despite having a tooth pulled and very little sleep.

Today was the day that I had to summon every ounce of motherly love I've ever had to keep myself from selling my children to the highest bidder (or the first taker.)

Today was the day that my children decided to argue me on every. single. point. despite multiple warnings of my impending explosion.

Today was the day that P. overflowed the toilet just after I sat down to dinner.

Today was the day that P. learned how to clean up the bathroom after the toilet overflows.

Today was the day that I gave my children 30 mins notice that I would bagging up any toys that were not put away and taking them to Goodwill.

Today was the day that I reminded my children on 5 min intervals that their toys would be put into trash bags.

Today was the day that bagged up piles and piles of toys that the boys refused to put away.

Today was the day that I told my children they were no longer permitted to produce any type of noise.

Today was the day that my children decided to ignore every single warning they were given.

Today was the day that my children decided it would be fun to take apart their nightlight.

Today was the day that my children broke their 10th nightlight in one year.

Today was the day that I told my children they would not be getting an 11th nightlight.

...

Tonight was the night that my children cried themselves to sleep because they didn't have a nightlight.

Tonight was the night I had to do extra laundry because of the aforementioned toilet overflowing.

Tonight was the night that I knew I wasn't going to get to bed at a reasonable hour, despite having another early morning tomorrow.

Tonight was the night that I knew I would never accomplish everything on my I Need to Accomplish List.

Tonight was the night that I knew my weekend away from the children could very well make me forget that I wanted to sell them today.

Tonight was the night that I decided that Vicodin is a very, very good thing.

More on Bugs

P (6) with alarm/panic in his voice: Dad! Come here, quick!
Dad: What?! What's wrong?!
P: There's a June bug on the carpet!!!
Dad: So?
P: DAD!!!
Dad: What?!
P: Uh, it's JULY!

Attention All Non-Human Species

You are hereby given notice.

I'm pretty much a live-and-let-live kind of person. I recognize that we are sharing the planet with many, many other organisms, and I'm generally OK with that. I'm not a girlie-girl, afraid of creepy crawly things and I've safely relocated a number of 6- and 8-legged creatures from interior to exterior parts of my property without any issues.

It has come to my attention that a number of you have decided that sharing the planet entitles you to sharing my living space. It does not. I promise to respect the spider webs you create in the shrubbery and in dark corners of my property. Your underground (or under rock) nests are typically undisturbed. Now, I ask that you show me the same consideration.

To the friends and family of the slithery little antenna-bearing thing that slithered across the top edge of my comforter: Your comrade is dead. Not just dead - but squished into oblivion by a woman who was merely trying to watch some late night TV when the invader nonchalantly meandered past her chin. I suspect this was a descendent of the previous invader - the one who woke me (and subsequently, my husband) from a sound sleep when it crawled between my fingers that were tucked away under my pillow.

In addition, if you truly find it necessary to hang out in my shower, note that you are taking a very big risk. Those creatures who startle me when I'm attempting to steal 5 minutes alone in the bathroom will be:

• Flushed.
  
• Drowned.
  
• Scalded.
  
• Smashed with whatever is in arms reach.
  

Furthermore, I will be taking measures to secure the borders of my home. If you cringe at the sight of a RAID commercial, I urge you to evacuate immediately. I will be making a trip to the hardware store this evening to purchase all sorts of sprays, bait and traps for you little bastards.

Oh - and if you happen to be a member of the rodent family, please note that I will not provide you with any warning or consideration whatsoever. My hatred toward you is completely irrational and phobic and I cannot be held accountable for my actions should you decide to take up residency in my home.

The Mouths of Babes

I sent my husband out to run an errand and asked him to take J (3) with him. This is the conversation they had after leaving the store.

J: Daddy? Are you an idiot or are you a jerk?
K: Uh, has Mommy been saying things about me again?
J: Uuuuummmm... No. I really love Mommy, you know.
K: Yes, J. I love Mommy, too.

The McDonalds Boutique

Yes, I'd like a #1 with Coke and a side of pants.

McDonalds is apparently looking to revamp their uniforms into something more hip. P. Diddy, Russell Simmons and Tommy Hilfiger are among the designers listed to assist them in their efforts.

Really.

The article is here.

My favorite snippets:

"Fashion is one of the “languages” that McDonald’s is tapping into to improve its relevance with young adults. When the burger behemoth launched its “I’m lovin’ it” platform nearly two years ago, fashionable crew uniforms in the Netherlands became the rage and customers begged to buy their own versions."

...and...

"The ultimate test is whether employees would wear the outfits outside of work as a fashion statement."

Why would someone *want* to wear their fast food uniform as a fashion statement?

I worked at Wendy's during my college years. I don't think it's possible to get the french fry stink out completely. Well, except that I could mask it by donning a sweatshirt and hitting a Happy Hour on my way home. Voila! The french fry stink has been overwhelmed by the cigarette smoke, spilled beer stink!

Heh. Wonder if the sizes will be Small, Medium, Large and Super-Sized. "Bling-Bling" nametags, perhaps?

Now, I know the vast majority of their employees are likely young people, but I also recall a fair number of older employees as well. Who's going to design their uniforms? I just can't picture the 65 year old retiree sporting a Phat Farm ensemble.

I Don't Get Crushes

But I have one now.

I watched King Arthur with the boys over the weekend and couldn't help but notice that Lancelot (Ioan Gruffudd) was... well... NICE.

So, I'm anxiously awaiting this weekend's release of Fantastic Four (heaven help me!) because I just found out he's playing Mr. Fantastic. Fan-freaking-tastic.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find out about this Horatio Hornblower stuff.

Yelling, Screaming and Shouting

Communication at its best.

The noise volume in this house is completely ridiculous. It's been chipping away at my sanity for far too long and something has got to be done about it.

I never thought I'd be one of "those moms" who constantly yell at their children. Unfortunately, that's what things have evolved into around here. It doesn't help that my boys have this inborn need to push every limit they're given. I can start off well enough in the morning - calmly and rationally making my requests, providing redirection or reminding them of the rules of the house. Generally, by the time I'm finished clearing the dishes from lunch, all rationality has been sucked out of me.

I'm *sure* that my 6 year old is conducting an experiment to see how long it takes to push me completely over the edge. He's got some sensory issues, which makes life both interesting and close to unbearable at times. It's not an exaggeration when I say that he makes noise *all* the time. ALL. THE. TIME. The kid can't shut his mouth to save his life and I know this. Doesn't mean I don't have the urge to drive a screwdriver through my temple after 6 hours of humming, singing and yelling, without interruption. We use some OT techniques to get him to complete his schoolwork (he does math sitting on an oversized fitness ball while chewing gum), but if he isn't actively engaged in something that requires a certain amount of brainpower, he's making some kind of noise.

So, we've got the regular, everyday "house noises" (TV, radio, dishwasher, washing machine, vacuum, etc) and the steady stream of sound emanating from P. Then we have the 3 year old who is still attempting to figure out how to communicate his needs through actual words (as opposed to clunking us over the head with Buzz Lightyear or screaming and crying). Like a good little mommy, I hear myself over and over again - "Use your words, J," which is generally followed by his shouting and screaming about some perceived offense.

As the day progresses, my volume gets louder and louder to compensate for all the other noises in the house, until finally, everything is shouted back and forth. Certainly, most of this is just bad habit and what we're used to doing. I feel like there's now some kind of "noise shorthand" going on - gone are the days of the quiet morning and gradual volume increases. It seems as though we are going from hushed voices to full-on yelling in no time at all.

So - what now?

We have been fining P for various behavioral offenses for quite some time now. It works like this: he gets x-amount of money for an allowance at the beginning of the week. For each offense, he is fined 10-25 cents, which he must take out of his allowance and return to us. At the end of the week, he has spending money based on his behavior. Tantrum at Target? Give me a quarter. Talking back to mom? Give me a dime. Don't want to pay up? Pay me double.

We've gotten a lot of comments on this system, believe me. Timeouts may work for the 3 year old, but P couldn't possibly care less about sitting in timeout or going to his room. I swear he thinks, "You mean, if I hit my brother, I get a timeout for 6 minutes? Cool! I'll hit him twice. 12 mins in nothing!" Money - on the other hand - hits him where it hurts. We make him save his allowance for the big ticket items he wants, so fining him has been a very effective way to teach him that we mean business.

I'm thinking of expanding this system to address the volume issue, but having it include the parental units as well. But what do we do with the money? Saving it isn't punishment. Spending it on a family trip isn't punishment. It's not like you get to do something fun when you pay a speeding ticket. I suppose we can donate it somewhere. I'll have to think about it. Maybe we'll tie it in to TV and/or computer time.

That would hit *me* where it hurt, for sure.

Mind Your Manners

Did I miss the memo where we were all informed that manners and common courtesy were no longer necessary, expected or needed? Honestly - I am amazed - on a daily basis - at how rude people have become. It irritates me even more when I point this out to someone and they look at me like, "Yeah? What do you expect? Of course this is how it is!" I do my best to be polite, cordial, courteous and generally respectful of everyone with whom I come into contact during the course of my day. This includes other drivers, cashiers, waiters, waitresses, the mailman, the tollbooth person, the trash collectors and the person who bags my groceries. It really doesn't take that much effort to say, "Please" and "Thank You," and frankly, I don't want spit with my coffee. Really - going off on someone who is serving you food or providing you with assistance? Just not smart. Your time and happiness are no more important than someone else's.

I'm not saying you shouldn't expect good service or act assertively to get what you need. There are certainly times when things go wrong or a mistake is made - and you have a right to have such things corrected. You do not, however, need to scream at someone or mutter condescending remarks to your friends. It certainly doesn't help the situation and it makes you look like an ass.

I often find myself irritated over the seemingly trivial and ridiculous. I could never quite figure out why I would get so bent out of shape over someone narrowly missing my car, or making an obnoxious comment or just being a total shit over stupid things. It suddenly occurred to me - yesterday, while grocery shopping - that the vast majority of these little irritants is somehow related to someone being rude.

A trip to the grocery store is one of the clearest glimpses into humanity. Yesterday, I happened to get there when one of the local retirement communities had emptied a bus load of elderly shoppers into the grocery store. There were, of course, several times throughout my shopping experience when I found myself behind someone who wasn't quite moving as fast as I hoped. For those of you who may find yourself in a similar situation, I offer this hint: A smile, an "excuse me" and a "thank you," will go a whole lot further than an annoyed sigh and an angry look.

There was this one woman in particular who I continued to run into - and by the end of the experience, I was ready to run her down with my grocery cart. I'm guessing this person was in her mid-late thirties, early forties, and she was definitely sporting that, "I'm too good to be in a grocery store with these people" look. She would zoom up behind me in one aisle, damn near run me down, pass me, block my path while she retrieved her items from the shelves, and then repeat it in another aisle. It's not like I was blocking the aisle, moving slowly or standing around chatting. Hell, at the time, I was paying my babysitter $10/hr - I was in a hurry, too! At one point, we were walking down the same aisle, heading in opposite directions. We were nearly next to each other when she abruptly decided to pull a u-turn in front of me - a move that made me stop short, only to get bumped by the person behind me. I've got the bruise on the back of my leg to prove it, too. No excuse me. No apology. No acknowledgement that she was a bitch...

I've often said that people shop like they drive. This woman proved my theory. I saw her in the parking lot as she nearly backed out of her space into a car that had just pulled out. She, of course, proceeded to cut around this person, run a stop sign and pull out onto the road.

I hate you.